Compensation

Even though I know, in my brain at least, I can’t earn God’s favor or the salvation He freely gives me, I constantly fall back in to trying to compensate Him for it: to pay Him back.  I try to do more and work harder to show Him my sincerity.  I try to pay my own way.

In the little book I wrote in anticipation of Sawyer’s birth a few weeks ago, this little rhyme-variation came to me as I pondered what Sawyer should always know about the Father’s love in her life:

He loves me,
He loves me lots!
He loves me,
He loves me lots!  

Those are the only choices, actually, yet I struggle to comprehend them for myself.

My conclusion, of course, is that not only am I unable to earn God’s love and favor (and believe me, I have tried), but I have nothing to pay Him with either.  Remember when Micah asked how he could come before Him, what he could bring?

Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,

The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?  (6.7b NKJV)

I default to making payment too quickly.  And now I am actually doing it in my dreams.  Recently, I awake exhausted from working so hard, running so far, climbing steep ladder or hills and working, working, working – hoping God is noticing.  In my dreams!  This is no bueno.

Today I am praying for God to help me understand mercy: NOT getting what I deserve, that is mercy.  I am praying to be delivered from being receiver-challenged (unable to receive His love and forgiveness, His grace and His sacrifice on my behalf).  I am praying to understand, at least a little, how He gives so freely without it being about what I can do for Him or give to Him.  These are big prayers.  Such a long way to go…

One thought on “Compensation

  1. “What can i give to the king, give to the one who has everything, what can i give,what gift can i bring, what can i give to the king, what can i give to the king?” by Barry Maguire.
    I guess all we can give him is our worship but it seems so inadequite. Yet, he loves our worship, our just coming into his presence. One time he told me “You know how you just love Carla (she was little than)? You just look at her and she brings you joy just because she is. Just because she is yours and she is a part of you. She doesn’t have to do anything at all for you to love her.” I said yes, I know that. He said, “that is how I love you. You just have to be and because you belong to me. I love you.” That blew me away. I love her so but he loves me with perfect, amazing, multi-faceted love. And like that one song says. The God of the universe holds my hand. Wow!

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