Dog Duty

No, not dog-dooty, though there will be some of that.  This is my note to our dog caretaker {Hi, Jon!}  for the next three days while we are on holiday (Tuppy-the-Puppy will be there, too)…

Sandy-the-Dog // Everything You Need to Know About the Care and Feeding of the Long-time Family Dog While We are Away

Yes, she had a bath.  She just smells like that and looks the way she does because…?  We don’t know.  We saved her from the junkyard years ago (she is at least 13+ years old now), but she still looks like a recent rescue.

When Tuppy spent a week with us recently
When Tuppy spent a week with us recently

She does not play fetch or any typical dog games fairly, but does actually want you to take back whatever the item was you threw that caused her to chase – you just have to pry from her slobbery mouth.  The growl is totally fake.

She sleeps a lot.   A lot.  She likes to nap in the sun sometimes, but usually just the coolest place on the floor.  Or right on top of your feet.  Don’t trip.

And she is mostly deaf, not just being rebellious or ignoring you.  She reads lips pretty well, though, so if you get into her line of vision  and pronounce in an exxagerated fashion, you’re off to the races.  :)

She moves really slowly now, but loves a good run-n-play in the yard…for 3-5 minutes, max.  Then, naptime.

I know EVERYONE says this: but she doesn’t bite and is not vicious – ever. 

However, her bark is LOUD!!!  Which, we use to our advantage when {ignorant} solicitors refuse to believe the no-soliciting sign on our porch.  We crack the door and let her go crazy barking and make them believe we are saving their lives by not letting them in.  Truth: if I opened the door fully, she’d quit barking and they’d see her tail was actually wagging in a Welcome-come-on-in-and-stay-awhile way and they would suddenly be best friends.

She loves you already.  It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t even know you yet.  She has never met a human being she didn’t want to adore fully right off the bat, with the possible exceptions being screaming-2-year-olds.  They make her nervous.  But fully-grown people? She loves even the dog-haters.  She is just a great big lover.  She will attach herself to you as if she is the Secret Service on Presidential Guard duty.  No one will be able to get to you on her watch…and you may even have trouble getting around her if say, you want to go to the bathroom or something.  Her motto, once you have bonded, will be,

Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God…” 

Yes, this will be your life for these Sandy-the-Dog days.

Sandy is a little jealous of Tuppy (the spokes-model puppy).  It is an unsanctified area of her life.  Tuppy is fluffy and soft and small, cute and young; and poor Sandy, rather decrepit and wiry and gray and used up.  She will give you the Wow-all-these-years-of-loyalty-obviously-mean-nothing eyes.  Just pet her, too, once in awhile and she’ll be appeased.  A few treats a day are fine.  Whatever is needed to show love.

By the way – she is really not a big over-eater, though if she thinks Tuppy is eyeing her food, she’ll start madly gulping it down.  So, treats whenever Tuppy gets any are fine while we are away.

She is not allowed on the furniture, no matter what she tries to tell you.

Do not even attempt to take her on a walk unless you have good insurance for shoulder-injuries.  She will choke herself into a coma trying to dislocate your bones.  Her exercise is running the fenceline, warding off evil and possible cats at breakneck speed.  Time in the backyard will see her through.

She likes to go outside and then come back in, oh, hmmmm, about 87 times a day.  But can actually handle much less.  Here are the reasons she will give you for wishing to go outside:

  1. Is that an airplane?  Let me out there.  Woof%$#@bark-bark%$%$!
  2. I think I heard a cat.  No really – there may be a cat stealthily walking the fence.  Let me out there!  Ruff*ruff*woof*ruff*grrrrrrrrr……
  3. Oh – did you hear that?  Other dogs are out barking.  If other dogs are out barking, I want to be out barking!  Open the door, bark-bark-bark-woof-bark!
  4. I saw a bird a bird fly over the backyard.  Let me out there.  I need to tell those birds what’s what!  Hey-bark-^%$#-woof-woof-this-is-a-$#@-no-fly-zone!  Got it???  Geesh.
  5. Hey-it’s raining.  I hear wind.  There are drops of water coming down. Let me go give the weather a piece of my mind.  C’mon!  Let me out there!  Peace-woof-woof-be-bark-still!!

Then she’ll run the fence making noise like a banchee and want right back inside.

The main thing, I think, is – and I cannot stress this enoughdon’t let our dog die while we are gone or that will just ruin our whole…lives.  :)  No pressure or anything.  But we’d like to be there for that important life event .  So, you know – just keep her healthy and alive while we are away.  To the best of your ability.  :)

Ba-da–bum!

 

One thought on “Dog Duty

  1. This is by far the GREATEST set of instructions that anyone has ever left for their dogs!!! Why can’t more people be awesome like you??? :)
    Don’t worry, your doggies will be loved and petted and spoiled to the max whilst you are away!!

Leave a Reply to Jon the Errand Boy Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *