Even though I know, in my brain at least, I can’t earn God’s favor or the salvation He freely gives me, I constantly fall back in to trying to compensate Him for it: to pay Him back. I try to do more and work harder to show Him my sincerity. I try to pay my own way.
In the little book I wrote in anticipation of Sawyer’s birth a few weeks ago, this little rhyme-variation came to me as I pondered what Sawyer should always know about the Father’s love in her life:
He loves me, He loves me lots! He loves me, He loves me lots!
Those are the only choices, actually, yet I struggle to comprehend them for myself.
My conclusion, of course, is that not only am I unable to earn God’s love and favor (and believe me, I have tried), but I have nothing to pay Him with either. Remember when Micah asked how he could come before Him, what he could bring?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? (6.7b NKJV)
I default to making payment too quickly. And now I am actually doing it in my dreams. Recently, I awake exhausted from working so hard, running so far, climbing steep ladder or hills and working, working, working – hoping God is noticing. In my dreams! This is no bueno.
Today I am praying for God to help me understand mercy: NOT getting what I deserve, that is mercy. I am praying to be delivered from being receiver-challenged (unable to receive His love and forgiveness, His grace and His sacrifice on my behalf). I am praying to understand, at least a little, how He gives so freely without it being about what I can do for Him or give to Him. These are big prayers. Such a long way to go…