Now that I am down to only one kid left at home (and that will likely be brief), I have time to turn my attention to what to do about mom and dad. Nevermind that my parents are still in full-time ministry and healthier and more energetic than I have ever been. At my age, you are suppose to start thinking about what you will do with them when the...shhhhh…..nursing home question comes up!?
Thanks to all those great internet thinkers, a new plan is emerging. Forget the nursing home. Check in to the Holiday Inn! (www.holidayinn.com)
With the average cost for nursing homes threatening to rise above $200 per day, this is a way better way to go.
Mom and dad, I want you to know – it's covered. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. Combining the long-term stay discount with your senior discount, we can get you a basic room for $49.23 a night. That leaves about $150 a day (based on a nice nursing home quote) for breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant you want. You can even order room service if you'd like. Laundry, gratuities and special movies could come from that kind of pocket change. Holiday Inn is so great, it provides a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, a laundry room, an iron and ironing board and some even have small refrigerators. You can also have all the free soap and shampoo and razors and toothpaste you want.
Just $5.00 a day in tips will have the entire staff scrambling to meet your every need. They'll treat you like a customer, not a patient.
Just outside, you can catch the city bus and seniors ride free. If you feel like faking a decent limp, the handicap bus will pick you up, too. Naturally, a church bus will be by on Sundays so you can meet other nice, old people.
For a change of scenery, you can take airport shuttle from the Holiday Inn and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, you may as well fly somewhere, otherwise that daily cash allotment will just keep piling up.
It takes months to get into a decent nursing home. The Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you aren't stuck in one place forever, either. You can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to visit Tami & Gerron In Kentucky? They even have a Holiday Inn there!
Let's say the TV breaks down or the mattess needs replaced, or what if a light bulb needs changing? No problem. they will fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
Thankfully, the Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maids check to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break your hip, Medicare will pay for the hip and the Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your lives.
And no worries about visits from the family, either. They are welcomed to check-in for a mini-vacation right there at the Inn. The grandkids can use the pool. You can introduce your kids to the gracious staff you've made friends with.
What more do you want?
Just kidding, mamala and papala (or as I like to call you: mammogram and pap smear).
NOTE TO LIZ: Thanks for this one. Wish I knew who should get the credit??? Sounds Andy Rooney-ish to me.