So kiss me and smile for me

So kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you’ll wait for me

Hold me like you’ll never let me go*

My mom asked me a few months ago, having watched a documentary about the late John Denver on PBS, if I would maybe “go in” with my siblings and buy her a John Denver CD for Christmas. She didn’t want to tax me too heavily, lovely woman that she is. <3

jdenver leaving

So, Dave made a CD of John Denver songs from his iTunes and I took it to her when I went to visit 2 weeks ago. She was so surprised. She barely remembered the documentary, if at all, and certainly didn’t recall asking for a CD, but she was happy to have it.

My visit this time has a musical soundtrack. And it is the sound of John Denver music drifting from her corner room, from a little CD player she can no longer remember how to work on her own, even though my sister painted “play” in large white letters.

IMG_8279

My sweetest mamala is suffering dementia, being treated for Alzheimer’s Disease. And the changes are so gradual if you’re in the room with her, that they’re much less perceptible. But I am not there, so when I visit, changes are glaring, and I lose my breath for a moment when I see another part of her gone. My dad always asks me what I see as different because he is “in the room,” day and night, night and day.

When I visited 2 months ago in August, during our family reunion, she kept asking me what words were on a stitched pillow her best friend had sent to her. “Friendship,” I’d tell her. She’d look intently at it and then say, “Oh right, there is the ‘i.’ Oh, and that’s ‘f’.” Then she’d say, “Friendship.”

15 minutes later, she’d pick the pillow up and ask me again. Everyday I was there, several times.

I asked my dad, “When did she begin to lose reading?” He was so surprised, he had been wondering why she wasn’t reading her Bible each morning like she always has. Reading is not totally lost to her yet. But it mostly is. She still keeps her Bible and her beloved dictionary close by at all times, but they are rarely opened. Sometimes she has to really focus her gaze for a long time to make out what the newspaper article is about. And if the article is continued in another column, or heaven forbid, on another page, she thinks they somehow just quit writing and finds it foolish for them to have done that.

This time, my most recent visit, she couldn’t sing Mairzy Doats, a beloved song from her childhood, with me anymore. Wherever it is she is going, down whatever hall dementia is taking her, that song doesn’t make sense and those aren’t real words so she cannot remember them at all. And she has no desire to recall them. My mom sang that to me my whole life. Then she sang it to my children. She and I sang it to some of my grandchildren. She always thought it was so funny and delightful, singing those tricky words that were really other words. But now it’s just “nonsense” to her, which it really always was, I guess. But still.

mom laughing oct 2015
My main goal, when we are together now, is to laugh with her. Laughter is so good for the bones.

So she wanted to listen to John Denver’s soothing beautiful music. She particularly loves Rocky Mountain High and Sunshine on My Shoulders. And the song all our family legends are made of was on repeat one day, Back Home Again. She had to call to play it and sing it for her best friend in Tennessee. She mostly hummed, unable to recall words she has always loved. And she’d comment to her friend when a line of the song said something sweet, like, “…the light in your eyes that makes me warm,” She’d say, “That reminds me of you, Ronnie!” It was sweetness.

mom at sundown

But all week, Whenever the song, “Leaving on a Jet Plane” began, she’d come and hug me and say, “Oh, I don’t want you to go…how many more days do I have?” And I’d usual just say, “I’m here for a whole week,” even as the week was moving along. Because it would put her at ease and she’d say, “Oh, good.”

Then we’d giggle and sing along with John Denver, mom mostly humming and inserting comments.

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go. I’m standing here outside your door*

“Oh no, Jeanie. Here let me help you un-pack your bags!”

I hate to wake you up to say good-bye.*

“Don’t wake me up for that!”

‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again*

“You better get back here again quick!”

That is so true, mamala. I know you won’t see this blog (computer navigation was one of the first things to go), but we’ll laugh about this in heaven…

A couple of days before I had to leave, three of us were sitting on the love seat singing together, my mom, my little sister, and me. It was hard finding songs my mom could recall the words and following lyrics on the computer was’t working either. I went to a karaoke site and pulled up “Leaving on a Jet Plane.” We started singing away, getting that tight 3-part harmony from heaven found among family members alone.

IMG_8182

But as we came to the words, “So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me,” I had to look away and I couldn’t sing. A catch in my throat and the tears began, because I heard her singing the words, but I knew, she won’t be waiting for me. She is going to keep walking this path and each time I see her, there’ll be a little less of her there.

I have heard Alzheimer’s called The Long Goodbye.  And so it seems it must be. My sorrow at watching her have to endure not just the memory loss, but the confusion, the frustration, and the growing inabilities to do what she loves is compounded by living over a thousand miles away. Knowing my time with her will be so limited by the miles between us, I will take every possible second of this long goodbye to hold in my heart.

Every chance I get, I will go to her and bless her and praise her for the woman she is and hug her tiny self as long as she wants (and she loves long hugs). I’ll massage her shoulders and brush her hair and stroke her face and let her curl up on my lap like she is my little girl. There is so little I can do, but I’ll hold on as long as she needs me to….

Hold me like you’ll never let me go*

IMG_8010

Give her everything she deserves!
    Festoon her life with praises!” Proverbs 31.31 The Message

Learn more from The Alzheimer’s Association Alzheimer’s is the 6th leading cause of death and is not just about having a diminishing memory. As the disease progresses, a person with Alzheimer’s loses their ability to walk, to sit and eventually to swallow.  Please pray for my sweet mamala, if you will. *Norma Jean*

*Lyrics to Leaving on a Jet Plane, John Denver.

52 thoughts on “So kiss me and smile for me

  1. Thanks Jeanie for sharing this.When I am reading this it is like I am right there with you seeing this.I pray for you and your mama. Love to you both

  2. There is a song called “Same Girl.” Picture with me if you can, a little girl in a younger land, running, playing, laughing, growing stronger. But now her aged limbs have failed and her rosey cheeks have paled. Look beyond the lines til you remember. She’s still the same girl running down the hill, she’s still the same girl, memories vivid still, listen to her story and her eyes will glow. She’s still the same girl, and we need her so…
    Mom remembers important things like how much people need to be loved just as they are. She has always been good at doing that.

  3. Hello there, I discovered your blog via Google at the same time as looking for a related matter, your web site came up, it looks good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

  4. My brother suggested I might like this web site.
    He was entirely right. This post actually made my day.
    You cann’t imagine simply how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

  5. I think that is among the so much significant information for me.
    And i’m satisfied reading your article. However wanna commentary on few normal
    things, The website style is wonderful, the articles is in point
    of fact great : D. Just right process, cheers

  6. Needed to post you the bit of remark just to give many thanks once again for your personal wonderful tips you’ve shared on this site. It’s simply seriously generous with people like you to provide freely what exactly many people could possibly have offered for sale for an electronic book in order to make some profit for their own end, especially considering that you might have done it if you ever decided. Those guidelines additionally served to provide a fantastic way to fully grasp the rest have a similar zeal really like mine to see a whole lot more with regards to this condition. I’m certain there are some more fun occasions up front for people who check out your blog.

  7. I precisely had to appreciate you all over again. I’m not certain what I would have handled without these tips provided by you directly on such concern. Completely was an absolute alarming setting for me personally, however , being able to view the very specialized manner you solved that made me to jump with fulfillment. I’m happy for the advice and even expect you find out what a great job you are undertaking teaching the others using your web site. More than likely you’ve never got to know any of us.

  8. I and my buddies ended up digesting the excellent secrets and techniques found on your web site then unexpectedly came up with a horrible feeling I had not thanked the site owner for those secrets. Most of the people came so passionate to read them and have in effect absolutely been taking pleasure in them. Thanks for getting so accommodating and also for obtaining such ideal tips millions of individuals are really needing to be informed on. My personal honest apologies for not saying thanks to you sooner.

  9. I would like to convey my appreciation for your generosity supporting those people that absolutely need help with in this study. Your personal commitment to getting the message along has been extraordinarily informative and have continually permitted men and women just like me to attain their objectives. Your amazing informative guideline can mean a great deal to me and a whole lot more to my mates. Thanks a ton; from everyone of us.

  10. Thank you for your own labor on this site. My mum takes pleasure in engaging in research and it’s really simple to grasp why. My spouse and i hear all of the powerful means you deliver very important items through this web blog and as well as encourage contribution from other people on this content then our own simple princess has been learning a lot. Take advantage of the rest of the new year. You are performing a fabulous job.

  11. I wanted to write you that very little word to finally give many thanks over again for your precious principles you have discussed on this website. This has been quite pretty generous with people like you to convey unreservedly all that many people might have distributed as an electronic book to earn some money for themselves, and in particular considering the fact that you might have done it if you ever desired. The inspiring ideas as well served to be a great way to understand that other people online have a similar fervor really like my very own to see whole lot more in terms of this issue. I am sure there are several more enjoyable times in the future for many who scan through your website.

  12. Thanks a lot for providing individuals with a very remarkable possiblity to read in detail from this web site. It can be so brilliant plus packed with amusement for me and my office mates to search your site nearly 3 times weekly to study the latest issues you have got. And of course, we’re usually fascinated with the perfect guidelines served by you. Some 3 areas in this article are easily the most efficient I have ever had.

  13. I just wanted to type a quick message in order to express gratitude to you for the great strategies you are showing at this website. My particularly long internet investigation has now been honored with professional facts and strategies to write about with my neighbours. I ‘d assert that most of us visitors actually are undoubtedly fortunate to be in a notable place with very many awesome people with interesting basics. I feel extremely happy to have discovered your entire website page and look forward to many more awesome moments reading here. Thanks a lot once again for all the details.

  14. I want to convey my affection for your kindness for men who actually need help on in this situation. Your personal commitment to passing the solution around was exceptionally interesting and have specifically empowered individuals just like me to reach their dreams. Your new helpful recommendations means a great deal to me and even more to my fellow workers. Warm regards; from everyone of us.

  15. I precisely wished to say thanks once more. I’m not certain the things I could possibly have made to happen without the actual basics shown by you directly on this problem. This was a very frustrating crisis in my position, however , finding out your professional manner you processed the issue made me to weep with gladness. Now i’m happy for the help and even have high hopes you are aware of an amazing job you’re providing teaching other individuals through your blog post. More than likely you’ve never got to know all of us.

  16. I simply wished to thank you so much once more. I’m not certain what I would have taken care of without the type of concepts provided by you regarding my situation. It seemed to be a real hard case in my circumstances, nevertheless taking note of a specialised manner you dealt with the issue forced me to weep with happiness. Now i’m grateful for your help and in addition believe you find out what a powerful job you were undertaking educating others by way of your webpage. More than likely you’ve never encountered all of us.

  17. My wife and i felt contented Raymond managed to complete his basic research via the ideas he was given from your own weblog. It is now and again perplexing just to be handing out helpful tips which usually the others could have been making money from. And now we fully grasp we now have you to give thanks to for this. All the illustrations you’ve made, the straightforward blog navigation, the friendships you give support to instill – it is most impressive, and it’s really leading our son and the family consider that the subject is pleasurable, and that’s incredibly pressing. Thank you for the whole thing!

  18. I’m also writing to make you be aware of of the fine experience my princess had checking your webblog. She discovered several issues, most notably what it’s like to possess a marvelous giving character to let other individuals without hassle gain knowledge of specific very confusing subject areas. You undoubtedly did more than readers’ expectations. Many thanks for displaying those essential, trustworthy, informative and in addition unique thoughts on your topic to Evelyn.

  19. I have to show my thanks to you just for rescuing me from such a issue. After browsing throughout the internet and obtaining techniques which are not pleasant, I assumed my life was done. Existing without the approaches to the difficulties you’ve solved all through the website is a crucial case, as well as those that would have badly damaged my career if I hadn’t noticed your web site. Your main training and kindness in touching almost everything was vital. I am not sure what I would’ve done if I hadn’t encountered such a subject like this. I can also at this point look ahead to my future. Thanks for your time so much for your reliable and effective help. I will not think twice to propose your site to any person who desires assistance on this problem.

  20. Thank you so much for providing individuals with such a nice possiblity to read critical reviews from this site. It is often so sweet and also full of a good time for me personally and my office friends to visit your web site the equivalent of 3 times every week to find out the new secrets you have got. And lastly, I am always pleased with all the dazzling concepts you give. Some 4 tips in this post are in truth the simplest I have had.

  21. My husband and i were so ecstatic that Peter could finish up his web research out of the ideas he received through your blog. It is now and again perplexing just to always be making a gift of guidelines which usually most people might have been making money from. We really figure out we’ve got the blog owner to give thanks to for that. All the explanations you made, the simple website menu, the friendships you will help to promote – it is many remarkable, and it is letting our son in addition to our family feel that that article is thrilling, which is particularly vital. Many thanks for everything!

  22. Thanks so much for giving everyone a very superb possiblity to read from this website. It’s usually very brilliant plus packed with a great time for me personally and my office acquaintances to visit the blog at a minimum three times weekly to read through the latest tips you will have. And lastly, I’m also certainly happy for the magnificent pointers you give. Selected 3 ideas in this article are unquestionably the very best I have ever had.

  23. I simply desired to say thanks once again. I’m not certain what I might have used without the information provided by you concerning such subject matter. Previously it was a real terrifying crisis in my circumstances, nevertheless discovering your well-written technique you resolved the issue took me to jump over contentment. I am happier for this information as well as wish you realize what a great job you’re getting into instructing many people with the aid of a web site. Most probably you’ve never encountered any of us.

  24. I precisely had to thank you so much again. I am not sure the things I would have created in the absence of the actual suggestions discussed by you regarding such a industry. It actually was a very troublesome scenario in my opinion, but spending time with a expert approach you dealt with that took me to cry with gladness. I am just happier for your information and thus hope that you comprehend what a powerful job you are always undertaking teaching the others all through your web blog. More than likely you’ve never met all of us.

  25. I would like to express my admiration for your kind-heartedness for women who should have assistance with this particular area. Your personal dedication to getting the solution around had been really helpful and has without exception made folks just like me to arrive at their pursuits. Your warm and helpful guideline means so much to me and substantially more to my office workers. Best wishes; from each one of us.

  26. My spouse and i ended up being quite peaceful when Peter could carry out his preliminary research via the precious recommendations he got from your web page. It is now and again perplexing just to continually be offering tactics which many others may have been selling. And we recognize we’ve got the blog owner to thank for that. The type of explanations you made, the easy site menu, the relationships you help to foster – it’s got most unbelievable, and it’s aiding our son and the family reason why the article is pleasurable, which is rather mandatory. Many thanks for the whole lot!

  27. I must express my appreciation to you for rescuing me from this particular issue. After surfing through the internet and meeting concepts which were not powerful, I was thinking my life was done. Being alive minus the answers to the difficulties you have resolved by way of this short article is a serious case, and those that would have adversely damaged my career if I hadn’t come across your blog. Your primary knowledge and kindness in maneuvering a lot of stuff was valuable. I am not sure what I would’ve done if I had not come across such a step like this. I can also at this point look ahead to my future. Thank you so much for this professional and results-oriented guide. I won’t hesitate to propose your web blog to any person who desires care about this issue.

  28. Needed to send you that little bit of word to finally say thanks a lot once again for these pretty guidelines you’ve documented on this site. It is simply wonderfully open-handed with you to offer unreservedly just what many of us could have made available as an electronic book to help with making some dough for themselves, and in particular since you might well have tried it in case you desired. Those ideas also served to be a fantastic way to comprehend some people have a similar dreams really like mine to know the truth good deal more when considering this issue. I am certain there are numerous more pleasant sessions ahead for individuals that scan through your website.

  29. Thank you a lot for providing individuals with an extremely splendid opportunity to read critical reviews from here. It’s always so enjoyable and jam-packed with a good time for me and my office mates to visit your site at least thrice per week to see the latest issues you will have. Of course, we’re always fascinated considering the staggering techniques you serve. Selected 4 tips in this posting are undoubtedly the very best I’ve ever had.

  30. I want to point out my admiration for your generosity for all those that need assistance with this one theme. Your special dedication to passing the message all-around appears to be unbelievably functional and has without exception made regular people like me to arrive at their goals. This insightful help means a whole lot to me and especially to my fellow workers. Thanks a ton; from each one of us.

  31. I as well as my buddies happened to be reading the nice ideas on your web blog while at once developed a terrible suspicion I had not expressed respect to the web blog owner for them. All of the guys became totally thrilled to read all of them and already have undoubtedly been enjoying them. Appreciation for genuinely very thoughtful and for choosing these kinds of amazing subject areas millions of individuals are really wanting to discover. Our own honest regret for not expressing gratitude to earlier.

  32. Thank you so much for providing individuals with such a breathtaking possiblity to check tips from this site. It’s always so enjoyable and also jam-packed with amusement for me and my office co-workers to visit the blog minimum three times in 7 days to learn the newest things you will have. Not to mention, I’m also at all times impressed considering the awesome thoughts served by you. Selected 1 ideas on this page are definitely the most suitable I’ve had.

  33. Thanks so much for giving everyone a very superb chance to check tips from here. It is always very lovely and as well , packed with a good time for me and my office friends to search the blog at minimum thrice every week to see the new guidance you have. Of course, I’m just usually astounded with all the astonishing techniques you give. Some 4 points in this posting are certainly the finest we’ve had.

  34. My spouse and i got quite joyous that Ervin could finish off his survey with the ideas he received in your web site. It is now and again perplexing to just be freely giving steps which people have been making money from. And we all understand we have you to be grateful to for this. The most important illustrations you’ve made, the straightforward web site menu, the relationships your site aid to foster – it is most powerful, and it’s really aiding our son in addition to us recognize that that article is cool, and that’s pretty vital. Many thanks for the whole thing!

  35. Thank you a lot for providing individuals with a very memorable possiblity to read articles and blog posts from this web site. It is always so sweet and also jam-packed with a great time for me and my office acquaintances to search your website at minimum three times in a week to read the fresh guides you will have. And definitely, I am also certainly motivated concerning the striking strategies you give. Selected 2 tips in this posting are definitely the very best we’ve had.

  36. My husband and i were very delighted that Peter could round up his survey out of the ideas he grabbed out of the web pages. It is now and again perplexing just to continually be releasing points that men and women could have been selling. Therefore we fully understand we have got the website owner to give thanks to because of that. All the explanations you’ve made, the easy website navigation, the relationships your site make it possible to instill – it is all fantastic, and it’s really leading our son and us reckon that that situation is enjoyable, which is certainly truly important. Many thanks for the whole lot!

  37. Thank you so much for providing individuals with an extraordinarily special chance to read critical reviews from this web site. It can be so sweet and packed with a lot of fun for me and my office peers to visit the blog a minimum of 3 times in 7 days to read through the new things you have. Of course, I am just usually amazed with your stunning things served by you. Certain two points in this posting are unquestionably the most impressive we’ve ever had.

  38. Great blog here! Also your web site loads up very fast!
    What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate
    link to your host? I wish my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

  39. I would like to express some appreciation to the writer just for rescuing me from such a issue. Just after looking out through the internet and finding suggestions which are not powerful, I was thinking my life was done. Existing devoid of the answers to the issues you have fixed all through your report is a crucial case, and ones which may have negatively affected my entire career if I had not come across the website. That talents and kindness in controlling all the pieces was helpful. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not discovered such a thing like this. I am able to at this time look forward to my future. Thanks a lot very much for this skilled and effective help. I will not think twice to suggest your blog to anybody who needs and wants direction about this area.

  40. Thank you so much for giving everyone an exceptionally brilliant chance to check tips from this blog. It is usually very excellent and as well , full of amusement for me personally and my office fellow workers to search your website particularly thrice per week to study the latest items you have got. And of course, I am just certainly pleased considering the eye-popping tips and hints you give. Selected 4 ideas in this posting are unequivocally the most efficient we’ve ever had.

  41. I enjoy you because of all your labor on this blog. My aunt enjoys engaging in internet research and it is easy to understand why. Almost all know all regarding the powerful medium you convey rewarding tips and hints via this blog and boost contribution from other individuals on that issue plus our child is actually understanding a great deal. Have fun with the rest of the year. You’re the one carrying out a powerful job.

  42. I enjoy you because of all of the work on this web page. Gloria loves participating in investigations and it’s simple to grasp why. Almost all know all relating to the lively ways you deliver both interesting and useful suggestions through the blog and cause participation from some others on the concern so my simple princess is now starting to learn so much. Take pleasure in the rest of the year. You have been carrying out a superb job.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *